BDSM Forum

Limbo_SA · Posted: Fri Feb 05, 2010 9:45 am Post subject: How to get the "kink" on

Okay so hear is the deal. My wife is currently experimenting in online BDSM and online D/s relationship. This has put a strain on our marriage as I feel she is replacing me. She spends more time in it than with me. She keeps comparing the satisfaction she gets from it to all the things wrong with me

Needless to say I am now F@$%@#$% up in my head, not sure what to do

Anyway at her suggestion I have acquired us some sex toys. I am however torn up as to what I should do with them. I get the impression the only reason she wants them is so that her master can benefit from them and not that she wants to share the experiences with me. I am just the "physical" extension of "emotional" cravings

Lately our sex life has been terrible. She has sex with me but more out of I think an obligation than an actual desire. She doesn't find me sexually attractive anymore. How can I change this?

So what do I do? How do I bring the toys into the equation so that she wants to enjoy them with me and not her master. I am thinking this is impossible and that she will be thinking of her master the whole time

Needless to say that that is a mood killer. Yes sweetheart, let me bang the shit out of you with the cockring while you fantasize that its your master doing this and not your husband. An then you can type to him online about how awesome it was and your husband can just be left behind as the doormat which you just walked all over.

Yes I am F$%$ in the head and have lots of issues which are can't or don't know how to deal with

With regards to toys is it best to experiment with them at home or at a hotel. Should I first tell her that I have them and ask her what she wants to especially cause I know at the moment she feels no physical attraction to me so just springing them on her probably won't be the best idea. I know she thinks I am a terrible lover, this is something I wish to rectify so advice is sought after please

I was thinking a nice dinner out, get really drunk, come home and show her the toys and see what happens. Not sure how to deal with the fact that it won't be me emotionally that she is with while playing with them. She will either turn me down stating some lame excuse or she will experiment but it won't be for me. So hence I am thinking of just f#$%@# destroying the toys

She wants to be dominated and currently is getting this online with her Dom. She just doesn't seem willing to let me dominate her mainly because I am not that sort of person and she doesn't want to teach me, I guess that ties in with her submissive side. I know I should be the one learning but if she won't let me know about her dom, she knows I am uncomfortable with it but at the same time she has a desire for it so she will fulfill this craving and continue to hide it from me. what the heck must I do. Listen love, I know you have an online dom and are hiding this from me, I want you to tell him to f#$@# off and you do this with me. Chances are I wont be able to fill this role, she has made that clear

I am willing to learn but don't really know where to start, I don't know the first thing about it. I can't give it to her 24/7 as I think she wants, I can only manage it in the bedroom I feel. I have no issues about her wanting to be dominated, I do have issues though that she gets this from a complete stranger. I know she has feelings for him and this hurts me

The fact she won't discuss this with me has left me with having to post on forums to be able to talk to somone and get my thoughts off my head which are eating me up inside

Yes she has lots of emotions she is dealing with but hell so am I so lets deal with them together

Look I don't understand the whole D/s thing. I just feel there must be a away that I can satisfy her craving without her having to to go behind my back

Do these online relationships last forever and have I lost her?

Sorry for the bombardment but just imagine what my head is going through

l8nightq · Posted: Tue Feb 09, 2010 7:28 pm Post subject: U got Trouble Here's my input

Limbo -

Your wife has been cheating on you.
What's your reaction to that?
The fact that they are not physically together has very little to do with it.
She's not bouncing around getting compliments from other guys. She has a relationship with one man and enjoys being controlled by him. There is no way to tell if this is gap fill, or if she really wants out of the physical relationship with you.
Regardless - you trying to accommodate her wishes will not make her respect you more.
It's obvious that she likes a dominant man. Your approach shows her just the opposite. So first things first... Grab your balls back and get pissed that she is cheating on you (and you should call it just that).
Tell her to get away from this guy and if need be, find him (online first) and tell him to leave your wife alone. I doubt that you will have that much trouble finding him. The easiest way is to find out what your wife's login info is, through spying visibly or through a keylogger.
I need to tell you though, that it is not necessarily his fault. sounds like she was actively seeking someone like him and he is just filling a need.
Still, my suggestion is the same.

Look, I know you still love her, but without respect you have no relationship and it's up to you to get that respect.

I had to get that out of the way.... Now on to your request

That said - the next thing you need to focus on is whether or not this is your thing. It is not for everyone. Try going to a site like sexandsubmission or hogtied and look at some of the pictures and preview videos. BDSMplaypen has some or their videos in extended mode, as well as those from other sites. There are also workshops in many cities that will teach you how to play safely and effectively. Let me know if you need help finding them... But don't let that be a substitute for studying the subject. Add books.

One of the best books you can get is "The loving dominant" by John Warren. If you decide you can get into it, you should own it.
Even before that, another book called "Different Loving" will explain D/S as it relates to "what is normal". It will probably give you much better insight towards how your wife, and other women, feel about these kind of fantasies. If you still love her, try to understand her fantasy. It will help you no matter how this ends up.

D/S, BDSM relationships are very powerful because of the enhanced sexual feelings involved, and because these relationships (when explored beyond the simple stuff) require alot of trust as they grow. On the surface it just looks kinky, but a one on one relationship in bdsm has deep roots in submission and sometimes, dependance, A dominant lover that knows what their doing will want to blend extreme sexual stimulation with pain. The pain first reminds the submissive of how helpless they are. That's why it usually starts with something simple like spanking or whipping. To summarize, the pain is stimulating and mixes well with the pleasure and all combines to give an orgasm that does not fit anywhere in normal sex. If that orgasm is forced, all the better. But a LOVING DOMINANT KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HURTING THEIR LOVER AND HARMING THEIR LOVER.

Based on your comments - I am going to project that your wife will not be able to help you/teach you to get where you need to be. If the books and videos are not enough you can probably find someone on the boards (like this one) who can help YOU. I'm not necessarily talking about you having an affair, but you may just need someone to talk to that can help you, by sharing their feelings and telling you what works best for them. Depending on where you live I may be able to find someone for you to talk to about it. I suggest that you focus on progress and not the misery part. You're moving towards being a dominant man. You aways want to project an image of a good play partner, even at the beginning levels.

Look - I can only see you through your letter, but I can see that you got some serious problems and a real threat to your marriage going on here. I apologize if I gave you the impression that there is no hope. I think there is always hope, but you have to control your own life first, not play catch-up with her.

This lifestyle fantasy is akin more to the world of John Norman's "Tarnsman of Gor" than it is to the whole 90's man politically correct stuff we find today. There's nothing wrong with being a gentleman in normal social settings, but a woman expressing interests like your mate is looking to be tied down, groped, man-handled, and forced to orgasm, multiple times... and she has likely been having these thoughts well before you married her. The internet has provided a conduit to others who share this fantasy. That's how you got here.

Good luck.